へんな日本の食べ物。(Strange Japanese Food)

So I figure this blog had to be written today of all days, as I had at least two encounters with disgusting Japanese food. No, I’m not saying ALL Japanese food is disgusting, but these particular items were. Being exposed to these two edible disasters quickly brought on flashbacks that reminded me of other crazy Japanese food I’ve eaten since March. Granted, I haven’t been in Japan a long time, but after a little over 3 straight months of eating Japanese food 2 meals a day with a Japanese family day in and out, I feel I’ve come to experience (and sometimes, appreciate) the more obscure of Japanese cuisine. You know, all that lies beyond the realm of Sushi and Miso soup. So join me, on this journey of frightening epicurean encounters.

For starters, I came home today sweat soaked from the heat. I’m used to this by now (or at least I should be) and have come to expect a nice glass of cold water to satisfy my slowly melting form. However, today I was in for a treat. My host mom brought along with the water a dish filled with clear, brown-tinted noodles in a brown soupy sauce. On first sight I thought, “Greeeeaaaaat.” Not only do I hate goopy, slimey shit that resembles semen, but I am TOTALLY NOT A FAN of anything Jello like. I didn’t ALWAYS hate Jello and Jello-like substances. I slowly grew to hate it after years of bad run-ins of a gelatinous kind. You know what I’m talking about, those times when you eat some tasty looking (and presumably Cherry) Jello that turns out to be sort of hard and chewy? Was it just me? I liken it to cheese that’s been exposed to air too long and gets the hard edges. I hate that equally as much, but FORTUNATELY bad run-ins with cheese have been few and far between, thus we remain lovers.

ANYWAY, back to these clear ramen noodle things. They were cold and a “Samurai dessert.” At least this is what my mom tells me. Sometimes I think she does it just to fuck with me. Like, “Hey, let’s see if the gaijin will eat THIS!” (points to hair in the drain hole) I’ll admit, I’ll try most food at least once in Japan as an aim for cultural sensitivity. But I’m just NOT from their culture and I haven’t grown up being force-fed Jelly-like substances as a viable option for dessert. We had ice cream. Thank God.

I tried it though, I actually video taped it. I’m sure I’ll post this later when I’m bored and lonely. My reaction was worst than expected, as the noodles weren’t soft like most noodles…they were CRUNCHY. Yes, crunchy. Like Squid sashimi (which I also shudder at the thought of). As if the urge to spew wasn’t bad enough, this increased the urge exponentially. Luckily, I’m smart and took a TINY bite. Enough to tell it was nasty and quickly swallow before I projectiled it on the table. I follow the same logic with seman. Too much information, I know. But it’s all the, put it in the back of your throat quickly and swallow approach, which I’m good at. By the end of my experience, my eyes were watery and I was a bit shaken. I panicked at the thought of what to do with the rest and eventually gave up and threw it in the trash can (in my room), later lying and telling my host mom I ate it but didn’t like it. I don’t know the name of the food and tried to look it up. If anyone has a VAGUE idea as to what it might be then I invite your suggestions. James suggested some form of Agar, but from the looks of it, I think not. Maybe when I post the video you might get a better idea.

One to the other food I encountered not some 4 hours later at dinner. This, however, I know the name of. It’s called Yuba. Now, I’m not an expert on this food and perhaps it comes in a more delicious variety (as may be described here), but mine was down right nasty. Yuba is the same ingrediants used to make Tofu, Nigari and Soybean milk. I dig solid Tofu but apparently not it’s less viscous cousin. The Yuba I had was served along with our dinner (potatoes, spinach, fish, rice, all checks out OK). It is literally the skin that forms at the top of lightly heated Soybean milk, plopped in a bowl of milk. What was the most off-putting about this dish was that it was room temperature which only enhanced it’s slimyness. I see white liquid and I think milk, I think cold. It was neither. It also wasn’t sweet (which I generally associate with white substances), but was salty. Think of taking the whites of an egg, cooking it, putting it on a bowl filled with milk, adding salt and serving at room temperature. Needless to say, I enforced the one-bite rule, tested it and put it aside for the trash can.

Mmm. I mean really, who doesn't like the skin that forms at the top of heated milk?

Both of these jelly/liquid horrors reminded me of an earlier Japanese food experience I had ALMOST forgotten about. Around Boy’s Day (now, Children’s Day) in Japan a traditional candy is served known as Kashiwamochi. I didn’t bother looking up the meaning of this word, but I’m pretty sure it looslely translates to “Big Flompty (edible) Donkey Dick.” It’s bascially sweet rice cakes wrapped in Oak leaves. Not rice cakes, like Quaker oats but rice cakes pounded to oblivion to form into, yet another, chewy, white, Jello-like substance. I was given one the day I left for Tokyo during Golden Week by my host family. It was big, probably about the size of James’ manhood. I ate the whole thing because the family sat around eating it with me. There was no opportunity to discreetly vomit into a nearby planter. I fought through it like a champ but later told my horror stories to my friends in Tokyo about the dildo-like candy I almost didn’t eat.

My idea of dessert? Quivering jello balls wrapped in leaves.

Throughout my experiences here, I’ve learned a couple key things about Japanese cuisine.

1. Japanese like dick-like food (either penile-shaped or semen-like in texture).
2. White liquid is not always milk.
3. They will eat anything covered in Jello-like substances, god forbid you drop your newborn baby in the Jello-making factory.

4. Searching for decent pictures of Kawamochi on the internet will most likely result in Hentai girls titty fucking themselves with said candy.

The Japanese and I may greatly disagree on what is edible cuisine, however, there still remains much we have in common that I love and respect about this country.